


What I Know About Faith

by haeym



Series: Baby, One More Thing [3]
Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Insomnia, M/M, POV First Person, Post-Split, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-08
Updated: 2014-12-08
Packaged: 2018-08-27 17:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8410471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haeym/pseuds/haeym
Summary: What's going on after the split and before the beginning of a new era.





	

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> what I know about faith  
> 
> 
> I saw you  
> at your  
> lowest point;  
> your miserable,  
> wallowing worst,  
> pitiful and dirty,  
> sorrowful and shamed
> 
> and I  
> still  
> love(d)  
> you.
> 
> — ao-oa

I saw you, shoulders hung, pitiful face turned to the ground – gravel glimmering - shiny eyes cast with shadow, the gaze long lost, the fire suffocated. Your gait slowed, your posture demolished and I wanted to hit you - I wanted to kiss you - I wanted to pour sense into you to get rid of my own fears and insecurities. I wanted you to trust me like I trusted you, like I still do. I saw you and what I saw was a crash, a free fall, a spiral, a growing abyss. (I saw what I would have never wanted to see.)

At your door I stop, I look into the future - I look into the past. I want to knock on the stern wood, I want to disturb you, I want to steal your attention, all of it, to drown in it, feel the liquid filling my lungs, feel the salty tears you cry in the middle of the night, alone, out of frustration, out of despair on my lips. The ones you spill when you have drunk too much, the poison coursing through your body, you breath smelling like cheap alcohol. (I shiver when you touch me, you fill me with despair, it leaks from you, I can taste it in my mouth.)

Lowest point is the darkest hour of the night, the quietest beat of your heart when you lie awake in your bed and I sit next to your door, palms flat against the cold floor, light pollution dancing on the walls like the ghosts of the traitors, ghosts of the anger and betrayal. My nails dig into my palms. When your breathing evens out I move, limbs aching, to face my own lowest point. (The night swallows me whole, I grip the bed sheets and shout into my pillow.)

Your miserable face looks at me through the bathroom mirror, eyes red, wobbly legs as I hold onto you, as intoxicated as you are, I press my face into the crook of your neck, solace. Your hair is getting longer, it tickles my face, you never cry in public. My lips move against your neck, tomorrow they will be chapped, tomorrow is going to be better. The tiles of the bathroom floor give me optical illusions, they swirl in my vision, my head hurts, and I want to collapse on the cool surface with you. (I retch and you hold onto my hand, my eyes out of focus, staring into the distance where you are.)

Wallowing worst, piercing pain, what mirrors your eyes are mine. You have questions, I don't have answers but that's okay because you never ask. I still try to reassure you. Your breath smells like soju when you kiss me but so does mine as I surrender to you, as I give my everything to you. If you don't remember it in the morning, I try to tell myself, that it will be okay even though it won't. Your tears burn my lips. (I cry into your mouth. You remember. I wallow in the feeling of uncertainty.)

Sorrowful and shamed, I tell you there is no need to be. It fills up the house, it suffocates me and it has already swallowed you. When I pass the windows in the bedroom, the surface is blurred, there is nothing to see. Your room is an abyss, it calls for me, what's truly you screaming my name. When your beautiful face is pained - when you are ashamed of who you are - I tell you you're just human, like all of us, not a god, only perfect for me. Your lips taste like despair and insomnia, all the sleepless nights you have spent laying on your bed, wide awake. (I wish you thought of me - I thought of you, I think of you, you plague my mind, my thoughts, my dreams, dreams, dreams.)

And I will never let you go.

Still we stand, barely inches away from each other, breath ghosting over my lips, trembling wind. I search for your eyes, the flame that burned me before lighting up again, licking my insides. It flickers in your eyes, passes through your features, gets caught by the breeze. My fingers trace your scars, drawing symbols of faith into your skin. Unreadable, your eyes scan me, study me, and I hope they find what I have hidden – for you to find. (I am still here- you are still here. We are still standing here.)

Love. I realized I never stopped but I don't know when I started either.  
I am-

you.

 

(”Yunho.” Is my silent confession and only you know what it means, when I look at you, you read me like an open book, I lay down and open everything for you to see.  
”Yunho.”  
My heart beats twice, one, two, the rhythm matches yours. Your lips no more burn, they soothe.)

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally posted on 8/12/2014 on Livejournal.  
> This version of it has been edited for AO3 in 2016.


End file.
